It still hurts

I have never shared this story in a blog post before, and only a handful of people know the whole story. It helps me to write about this, as it helps the healing process. Some of the details are left out for legal reasons, but I'd like to share my story with you. On October 2, 2009, I lost a son.

In the Spring of 2009, my 2 boys and I were overjoyed at the fact that we were approved to welcome our 3rd son into our home by process of adoption. We will call him Cody. He was 10 years old, with a good heart and a desire to be adopted into a forever home. He clicked with our family right away when he officially moved in about June. He won the hearts of church members, and the teachers at his school took a liking to him immediately. He had a failed adoption about a year earlier, when the family changed their minds on him, and he was sent back into the foster care system. I assured him that we would not change our minds about him, and that this was his forever home. 

In September of 2009, our family was targeted by a sexual offender. He had seen my older boy at the library while we were on a family outing there, and was interested in him. When this man came to our home, I informed him that my son was 14 years old, and that he had friends his own age. I asked this man to leave. From there, I ran his name through my computer, and found a long laundry list of offenses, crimes, and time served. I showed this to my boys and told them to never try to find this guy or befriend him. Well, this guy came back to our house behaving inappropriately. I told this guy to leave. He did, and I called police. The police arrested him on attempted indecent liberties with a child. When our names went through the system, the adoption agency found out, they freaked out, accused me of being an unfit parent, and immediately pulled the plug on the adoption. They came by, took Cody and all of his stuff, and I have never heard from or seen him again.  It felt like a death, and it still feels that way. The SRS department wrote a review of how I was welcoming of the offender into our home, and that I allowed him to be a part of our lives. This was garbage, and this was after an extensive interview with them explaining the exact opposite; that I told him to leave and that I called police when he came back. To this day, I have hard feelings toward the SRS department, now called DCF. If you or family members or friends work there, I apologize, but they really put the final nail in the coffin with their review.

My boys and I were devastated, and from that point, their lives spiraled downward. Their stability was shaken, and they began making bad choices. It really messed with all of us.

Please don't judge me by this next paragraph, rather put yourself in my shoes. To this day, I have been haunted by one thought: If I had not called police, all this would not have happened. If I had left it at telling him to leave, I might still have Cody with me. People do not seem to understand why I feel this way. People have thanked me for taking this guy off of the street, but THEY did not lose a son in the process. I still wish I had never called the guy in. People have been upset that I feel that way, but the pain of losing that sweet boy was almost more than I could bear, and it still hurts.

I was never allowed to explain my story to the adoption agency. They still don't know the whole story, 7 years later. To this day, and in the future, I will never be permitted to adopt or do foster care. This whole thing really messed up my plans to adopt many children. Looking at it now, this may not have been possible with my plans to move to Mexico, but it still hurts that this brand was burned onto our family name and reputation. Most of all I miss Cody. He would be a senior this year and is 17 years old. I found him on Facebook a few years ago, but because of threats made by the adoption agency, I cannot send him a friend request until he turns 18.

Over time, the emotional wounds have healed somewhat. I still miss him and wish I could talk to him. I wish I could have watched him grow up and I wonder what he is doing today. I wonder if the impact I made on his life is remembered by him, and if he'll seek me out one day. He would be welcomed with open arms. I can put on a happy face and smile and interact with people, but October 2 cuts deeply into me, and I feel that an injustice was done in my life during that dark time.

That is the story in a nutshell. People have asked what happened, and this is the scoop. I was going to try to end with a cute quote or anecdote, but I have none to offer, and this is one of those rare posts that will end in a not-so-sunny way. I apologize for that, but in this instance, I have nothing sunny to express to you, except that I'm glad I have God's help.